Food for Laughter

This page is the lighter side of my web site and represents the lighter side of me. So entertain yourselves with some good laughs with the jokes and anecdotes. I also include riddles to tickle your little toes. I'll keep surfing the net to get more jokes etc. so I can update this page regularly. Right now, I'm focussing on good clean jokes for good hearty laughs. If you have some jokes that you'd like me to publish, do drop me a line. In the meantime, enjoy !!

1. Nice change
What did the cashier say when she was caught stealing?
"I thought the change would do me good!"

2. Thought for the day
The only reason your brain is bigger than your
nostril is to prevent it from falling out.

3. Investment in potatoes
A Farmer decided to invest a great deal of money in a new crop of
potatoes. New equipment alone cost him a lot of money, but he really
wanted his stake in potatoes.

4. When you have to go, you have to go…
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

5. In the arms of another woman
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!". The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" - His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

6. Scrambled & cracked
Last night, Eddie the Egg was arrested by police and taken to headquarters for questioning. He's considered to be the prime suspect in the brutal beating of another egg at the farmer's market. The other egg is expected to live, but he's in a coma as his brains have been irreversibly scrambled.

At headquarters, the police could not get a confession out of Eddie. They tried putting him in a chair under a hot light. All they accomplished was getting Eddie really boiled-up and rolling all over the place. The police had to put him into a straight-jacket to contain him. Yet, Eddie continued to roll all over the place. The police pulled the straps of the jacket tighter. Finally, Eddie confessed...he "cracked" under the pressure.

7. Of dragon & fries                                                 new14.gif (1954 bytes)  new14.gif (1954 bytes) new14.gif (1954 bytes) new14.gif (1954 bytes)
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,                
Euro Tour '99 Photo Gallery1
for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 
Euro Tour '99 Photo Gallery 2
England Tour '99 Gallery
8. Of whales & fats                                                 
Friends of EuroTour
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?

9. Y2K no problem
Here is a Year 2000 problem we would all love to see...
January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing

10. Of gorillas & nostrils
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

11. Teething advice
If you want to keep your teeth in excellent condition, brush them twice daily, and mind your own business!

12. What's the difference between ...
12.1 A cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of clause.
12.2 An elephant and peanut butter?
An elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.
12.3 A baker and a heavy sleeper?
A baker bakes the bread and the later breaks the bed.
12.4 A leaky boat and a car with two broken headlights?
The boat can't go to sea and the car can't see to go.
12.5 A Racer and a locomotive engineer?
The racer is trained to run and the other runs a train.

13. Sunday School
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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